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Halloween, the scariest time of the year. October 31^st. Samhain. Rob Schneider’s birthday. So, overall, a wholly momentous day. It’s one of my favourite times of the year because I love horror movies, dyeing my hair different colours, wearing black, and generally just enjoy a bit of the more… alternative (?) things in life.

Halloween has never scared me. This is a time of year that I feel quite free and liberated. I can finally  BE my regular odd self! Ultimately, my weird hair colour will NOT get death glares! I can WEAR costumes, cat ears, and black lipstick out in public! IT’S MY DAY, Y’ALL!

But Halloween day, October 31st, without fail, always comes with a tinge of sadness for me and, indeed, is not the scariest time of the year. I know that the very next day (if not on Halloween Day itself), my world will be plagued with a dangerous disease. An unstoppable force of terror. And that terror? Its name?

Christmas.

I absolutely loathe Christmas. This is what scares me. This is MY scariest time of the year. Around 94%* of people I know absolutely love it. I do not. Let me count the ways.

*semi-accurate percentage

 

#1  – Working Retail

This is a curse to anyone who loves Christmas. Working retail will rip the soul right out of you as you watch customers rip those scarves from your carefully-made display.

The extra pressure of sales, the long hours, the lack of appreciation – they all make for a scary holiday season. Funny that it comes right after the scariest season of all.

#2 – Being Broke

It’s zero fun to have zero money around Christmas. Your broke-ass feels guilty for not being able to give your friends and family the gifts they deserve, and, additionally, even MORE guilty if you receive a gift from said friends and family. Guys, can we do, uh, an exchange of love this year…?

#3 – The Goddamn Cold

Here I am living in a Winter Hinterland. It’s always -90 degrees Celsius* here. Why does anyone even want to live here (aside from free health care)? I consistently run cold (I even recall shivering in the dead of a July night a few years ago), ergo, I don’t thrive in wintertime. Freezing my nips off just isn’t fun for me.

*semi-accurate temperature

#4 – Commercialism/Self-Gifting

Hey, I hear myself too. Sounding, in fact, like a grizzled old hippy. Christmas is purely a disgusting time for humanity. It starts with the insanity of Black Friday (where people have been literally killed for a television) and goes on with incessant advertising of “You had better get your loved ones the perfect gift. You don’t want to fuck up Christmas, DO YOU”?

Fuck you, advertisers. Don’t pander to my sentimental side – I’m not falling for it! In addition to the disgusting and overbearing “Season of Giving” messages we constantly get, there are also the “Treat Yo’ Self” commercials and ads, encouraging you to buy yourself a Christmas present.

I’m sorry, what? Isn’t the point of Christmas the birth of Jesu- I mean, getting everyone around you a gift? Nope. Evidently, it is to get yourself a present. It is a very selfish notion in the time that is supposed to be about others.

 

Now, I’m not a complete monster. There is something I absolutely love about this season.

The Starbucks Peppermint White Mocha.

I know. I KNOW. Certainly, Starbucks is not my favourite go-to coffee place. It’s bland and blah and tastes burnt, but…

Holy hell, do I ever love this drink! This saves me from being a “grinch” because, if I’m sloshing down this pepperminty, white liquid, then I can’t say how much I don’t like Christmas. This line of talking can, in essence, turn people off? Look, I even found this horrifying countdown!

https://www.countdowntoredcups.com/menu/

This may be the scariest time of the year for me, but I say, let the Christmas lovers love it, let the Christmas haters hate it, and give me my Starbucks. It won’t be so scary.